NO, ASSUMPTIONS, PLEASE.

I have a peduncle. Some might refer to it as a fupa/spare tire/burrito baby/beer belly – whatever you might like to call it, it’s my squishy, stretch-marked tummy that bears a tortured, red stripe when I jam it into unforgiving denim. I need to wear glasses to read anything that’s not 16-point font or bigger and I make lots of noise when I’m getting up off the floor (not in a “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up” kind of way – more from a, “Let’s play duck-duck-goose” endeavor). I’ve not called my kids their actual names on the first try in 2 years – I just run through the list until I see a flash of recognition in their eyes. My car goes on auto-pilot to my kids’ school campus no matter where I’m headed… sure… it’s the car’s fault… AND I just found a goat hair growing under my chin… now if I could just find my tweezers...

Hi. I’m Molly. I’m a middle-aged mother of 4 kids. In all fairness, by the looks of me – aside from my sparkling blue eyes (you gotta give me something) - one might assume that I enjoy shouting out the answers to Wheel of Fortune while drinking decaffeinated Sleepy Time tea on any given Saturday night. I totally get it. I look the part.

Inside, though… oh, inside I’m about 20 years old. Apart from my family and a very few dear friends, no one knows that I’m still a goofy fool who loves playing poker, watching trash TV, and playing Rock Band (always the lead singer – seniority has its perks). I can belt out the lyrics to Guns-n-Roses and Green Day as much as I give in to Adele and, yes, even Barry Manilow. Who doesn’t love a heart-felt rendition of “Mandy”? That’s pure gold at any age.

I scream the loudest on water park rides and, even if wetting my pants is a given (and it totally is), I will always be the first to double-jump on the trampolines at SkyZone. I orchestrate water pistol ambushes, I do the tango with my daughter in the kitchen, and I can still whoop my boys at P.I.G. in basketball.

But, let’s be real. I am halfway-to-90. I am saggy, sappy, and sometimes slow in more ways than one. I may wear sensible shoes to work and a skirted-bathing suit to the pool, but I’ve still got the same moxie that I had in my youth. I will take the dare of doing the Whip and Nae Nae in the high school parking lot and I’ll happily drive you around to play Pokemon Go. Just have me home by 8 o’clock.